I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
