Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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