Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
