She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize