OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
