On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
