Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
