I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
