is your mom at the bar?
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
