How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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