SEEEEXXX PLEASE
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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