i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
