woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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