were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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