sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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