I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
