I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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