ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
