At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
