I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
