i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
