Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
