positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
