bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
