my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
