I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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