shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
