So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
