Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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