At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I've blown a few things in my day
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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