I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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