Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
