Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
