Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
