I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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