i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
