Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
