Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
