My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
