i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
