Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She told me I should be a condom model.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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