i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
