i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
