I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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