I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
