I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
