There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm too high and old for this...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
