i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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