forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
