onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
