Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
