YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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